4 years ago, I had just graduated from the most fantastic school (where every day was like living in disneyland - everyone was so happy and contented). Our prom night just happened and I got to spend a wonderful night out with the most charming and funny person ever whom I was in contact with since March. No thanks to tidiesitriedtoswimagainst and Andrew, of course. Every day, you were so funny.
3 years ago, I was probably crying at this hour. I was gasping for breath to relieve the ache in my heart. I was sad and in despair. I had so many unanswered questions and many "Why God why?s". I felt like a third-party. I felt guilt. And so I denied myself from feeling any pain because I caused others pain? Yet I also felt like a victim. I began to identify with a certain on-screen character as a way of easing whatever I felt. I also couldn't tell anybody about it. My other best friend was really angry with me. I felt that I had lost everything. I was in a terrible, terrible shape.
2 years ago, I was probably fast asleep and tired from work. I still thought about my heart ache but it wasn't so bad, since we didn't exchange anything beyond one-word messages. I was very tired from the battles of 2006/2007 and no longer felt accountable to anyone and so indulged in the much needed rest. Also, I was receiving many letters of commendation informing of prize moneys. I felt appreciated. But that appreciation did not spur me to want to continue to achieve anything more. I also knew the synonymity and identification of me with my sport had come to an end. I was also in the midst of completing my applications. I was so sure I would go America. Heart, why are you taking so long, I asked. Why are you still holidaying in Japan? Come home. My grandma and best (animal) friend passed away. None of you are in Heaven now, but I just wanted you to know I loved you all anyway.
1 year ago, I was finally at peace. I wasn't at a school which I had expected myself to be. It didn't even occur to me that I did well enough during my interview to be granted a place. I continued studying in Singapore. We met, again. What we had wasn't sufficiently stable. I still felt very suspicious. But you were a changed person. You were so patient and weren't the person I knew in late 2006. But you seemed like a matured version of the person I knew in 2005 which I had fond memories of. I kept wanting to drop out but you persisted. That was new to me because all I could remember was you wanting to give up all the time. It got me so mad.
1 year ago, I had started taking baby steps of faith. All my questions, I had found answers. I was so happy. God had provided all that I wanted to understand. For all that has happened in my life, it was part of God's plan. Very amazing, very new. I stumbled from time to time but I knew that I couldn't go back to my old ways. I didn't want to. I have to grow and I have to get better.
Today, I am still recovering. Obviously not everything is about the heart. There have been many repercussions because of this single event. For example, I have turned inward and am socially awkward around people. I used to talk so much. I am not upset that I have so much more on my platter to deal with. Instead, with every good change I can only say it has been by God's grace.
One of the things I have been consciously attempting to better is communication .. with anyone/everyonel. Given the choice, I would rather not speak to anyone at all. Yet theoretically I know I must step beyond this because the Lord's work is at stake. I do want to share the joy of the Lord with so many people around me. It's like finding some 50% discount code off Urban Outfitters and wanting to let all my friends know so we can do some major group order!!! And so having a conversation is a big, big mile stone for me. It is something you might take for granted but I have prayed hard and long to be able to feel comfortable sufficiently and so say the right things.
This is a good God. This is the only God.
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xxgreen's journal
